Chapter Six - Keep Calm, Focus On Your Goal
One of the primary human needs is the need of a purpose. Purpose means “reason for”, it is the why of things. It is the Cause to the Effect. With purpose comes motivation to achieve any goal you put up. You have the will to go for what you want, for the reasons that emotionally compel you.
For me, as an example, I would like to enjoy a life of tranquility and fun. I would like to have a job where I feel an itch to get there quicker as soon as I get up, a loving woman I can fully confide in and trust to represent me when I am not around, and be as a man the emotional and economical provider of my children. With love, I can fix issues that were once prevalent in my home growing up. Yelling, screaming and at one point even physical violence.
The road to all these goals won’t be easy. I was witness to that just about a week ago, when I had to lovingly reject someone I held very close to me. You have to show life that you won’t take mediocrity or even anything sub par to your dream and your vision. You have to show consistency and that you truly mean what you say, so life can take you seriously and give you what you want.
I was focused on my mission and purpose in life when my 3 month date went to Mexico to spend time with family and friends. She was an amazing girl, with minor problems that I decided to overlook because I figured she was an amazing person as a whole. I got busy with work, I studied harder and accepted this newfound regime of change to my life. I was going to work harder to get to my career goals and vision.
At the same time, I received yet another promotion for my dedication and hard work. I was trained in one day and that same day I had to begin taking over my new duty as the workday went along. I did not even eat for two whole days, just taking care of all my duties at work and my career and health goals in my personal life. The hungrier I got, the more angrier and focused I got on my job.
While I was busy training and taking the appropriate steps to achieve a career I love, my lady was having the time of her life with her family in another country. She traveled, tried different street food and was exploring her hometown thoroughly.
At the same time, I had to take care of my social needs as well. Over the weekend, my buddies called me and invited me to have a couple drinks with them, of whom a few are of high social status and I cannot name them here. As girls would come over and give me a glance of desire, others would motion me to come over from afar. They all wanted to get to know me, possibly dance with me and most likely take it to the next level after.
I’m a man of consistency. I kindly declined all the advances and was legitimately only out to hang out with my friends and talk about the exciting things about our lives. Our careers, our missions and our purposes, as we are all high achievers. Besides, I was happy and content with the attention I was receiving from my lady. I didn’t NEED to go and mess with all these other women, it just wasn’t an itch I had to scratch.
The day after I resumed my crusade for a better life. I missed my lady but I figured she was out having fun and was completely fine. It’s a struggle going to work 9 hours at a job that isn’t emotionally compelling, coming back to your city, eating, working out to stay healthy, studying IT in your car and sleeping in that same car.
I did this for about a week, and when my lady came back we quickly got in touch. I was still going to take care of my mission and purpose in life, but it is genuinely good to know someone who takes care of you emotionally and physically is back in town.
As soon as we get talking over the phone, she details everything about her time abroad. She details in excitement the vibrant life and partying, which lasted for the entire week.
“There were so many parties! They had live music at my family’s house, at the plaza, at the fair!!”
I was happy to hear that she had fun. But with only three months of dating in, I needed to know what her values and visions for life where. Was she the type of girl to represent me and defend me when I wasn’t around? Or was she the type of girl to not think twice before getting involved with other guys?
“Wow that’s amazing. Were the men there cocky and asked you to dance?”, I asked, just seeing what her response was.
“Oooooh yes. They’d come up behind me and tap my shoulder. None of my cousins wanted to dance. Nor did my sister. But I was like ‘Screw it, this is what I came for and this is what I’ve been looking forward to.’”
I know what you the reader are thinking. She betrayed me. She is not worth dating anymore.
I’d like to think differently. It was at this time that I realize her vision of the future was different than mines.
She went on, detailing her experience dancing as I merely replied in acknowledgement of her answers.
“My dad was super angry at first, he didn’t want me to go dancing with other men. Eventually though, after the first party he didn’t care. I danced all week, by the end of it my thighs hurt.”
I was deeply disappointed. I thought I provided enough attention for her, the same as she did for me. I wanted to react in an angry manner, but my maturity took over.
She loved dancing with other men, and that was her calling. I could do one of three things:
1)Sacrifice my values and keep letting her dance with other men. It would bother me deeply and I’d live a mediocre, unhappy life. I would lose attraction to her, as she would continue seeking other men’s approval and attraction. I’d communicate to life that I do not respect myself by accepting lesser treatment therefore I am of less worth.
2)She would sacrifice her values. She would not experience dancing with other men, feeling anchored to me. She’d feel a resentment towards me for almost jailing her emotionally and physically by not being able to dance with other men. Over time, I’d be seen as an oppressor, rather than her just accepting she didn’t connect with me. At that same token, over time she would do what she wants to do, disregarding me as a partner.
3)We could talk about it and find a middle ground. She may take this conversation the wrong way and tell me little white lies to cover the underlying issue of her lack of attraction to me, whenever she finds herself in similar settings.
You can see the dilemma, but once you have emotions involved, it is such a bigger issue to contend with.
At that moment, my vision for the future came to me. I saw myself with a loving family, a woman that was completely attracted to me and appreciative of what I had to offer. The house. The kids. The whole nine yards. I knew what I wanted and my lady wasn’t it.
My values were worth standing up for. My values were bigger than feeling bad or feeling depressed for a short period of time. I was willing to drop imperfect and continue my search for my dream and vision of life, even if I had to suffer in the meantime.
At that point, I broke it to my lady. I did not approve of her behavior and since we weren’t in a relationship (I proposed to her before her trip and she said she was unsure. She said she wanted things to be a lot more special. Bottomline: She would’ve accepted without a doubt if she was totally attracted to me), I decided that it was best that we stop talking.
I made sure to spend a long time over the phone, walking through the point with her in a mature and growth oriented manner. I allowed her to be organic, natural prior to the long discussion, so she could show her true passion. No excuses or cover ups, just herself being happy in the moment and that was what she was happier doing. I would honestly eat glass than relive that moment, but as a man I had to make the tough decision.
She was silent throughout my speech. She replied in short answers and at the end wished me a good life. She seemed completely fine and unphased, I felt that she was being herself in the moment.
I decided it was best that I move on, take a break from dating to allow myself to process my thoughts and feelings properly. I had a crusade to continue, I had a dream and a vision to make reality. The blueprints showed what I wanted, and the part I rejected just didn’t fit properly.
To achieve your goals, you will have to persist. You will have to reject anything less than what you want. You will have to stick to your plan again and start from zero if you have to. You will have to say no to people. People will feel uncomfortable having you around, because you’re taking action and they feel wrong not doing anything. You will have to push away people who stop you from your dream just so you can be like them and both be comfortable with mediocrity.
You will have to go through dark times. Whether economically or emotionally. You will have to feel poverty of feelings and money so you can wait until your turn for life to give you what you want. You have to tell life exactly what you want by REJECTING what you don’t want.
In hindsight, after the breakup and all the negative posts my ex-date wrote about me online (I won’t include them here for her well being), I still want her to succeed and be her best version of herself. Looking back I realized that she was fighting her own war with Self-Esteem.
On our first date, she was super serious/nervous which communicated she was not confident in her own skin. Granted, she opened up in a loving and healthy way later in the dating process, but it was a bad sign nevertheless.
Throughout many of our dates, she’d check out men for a while, they’d notice and wink at her. She’d tell me this and I shrugged it off as unimportant. Turns out, she felt uncomfortable in her own skin and by getting affirmations from other men, she felt better. A woman who is happy and content being herself will focus on how to make the best of the current moment with her man.
Lastly, and something I totally overlooked because I was just so attracted to her, She took back her ex twice before finally realizing her self-worth and rejecting him. Why is this wrong? If you look at the reason why she may have taken him back, it was most likely because she felt she could not do better. She didn’t feel amazing enough to be chosen by someone else. Another sign of low Self-Esteem.
The biggest wake up call was when she loved dancing with other men. It really hurt to hear that she was out trying to feel attractive and accepted by other men. It just went to show that at the end of the day, if she can get some esteem from anyone she will definitely take it at the price of my goal and mission in life.
I chose to ignore reality, but I could not ignore the consequences.
I will detail red flags and other turn-offs for men and women in future articles, but the fact of the matter was that she had a problem she didn’t think was a problem. I could totally bring it up to her, but it takes the person you see in the mirror to recognize a problem and fix it themselves.
It could take 20 years. 40 years. Maybe even until their death bed to realize they had a problem. It took me 20 years to find out I had no clue what I was doing when I went out on dates, and what fixed me was the gift of getting dumped. It takes a major change in one’s life to recognize an issue and correct it.
Would I get back with her? I would in the condition that she corrects her behavior and joins me in my purpose and mission in life completely. My goal is to make the world a better place, and I want someone who also takes consistent decisions to achieve the same.
It will be hard to stay disciplined and consistent with your goals and values, specially when there are temptations and self-told limitations. But looking from the end will help you achieve what you want out of life, it’ll motivate you to stay on track with your goal despite whatever happens around you.
By focusing on what you can do in the PRESENT moment, by focusing on what the next step as little as it may be is, you are telling yourself you want the best for yourself from the world.
In order for the world to see you as amazing, you have to convince yourself first. To convince yourself you simply have to employ and DO what makes you great. A great man won’t cheat on his wife, so when presented with the opportunity he won’t do it and it’ll further reinforce his idea of being a great man.
When things don’t go the way you want them to, keep calm. You just discovered one more way that doesn’t work. One more person that isn’t congruent with your goal. Use this knowledge and focus on your goal again.
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